At 5am when I wake up before work the only thing on the telly is the Jeremy Kyle Show, a show which I tolerate because it’s rather fascinating as to the sort of people who go on this show for similar reasons. You can’t help but wonder where they get these people from, even bordering on questioning its legitimacy. As I continued to watch it with my morning cup of tea I started to notice little consistencies between each show. Whenever I mentioned these to people no one seemed to notice. I can only deduce that as a Media Studies Graduate that I have developed a keen sense of noticing patterns in TV and films. I’m in around £14,000 worth of debt and now finally it’s paid off. Now I’ve compiled a list, for you, the clueless observer. It’s not your fault if you haven’t noticed these before; you didn’t pay for the knowledge ¬_¬
Technically I haven’t fully paid either. But I’ll get round to it.
However this isn’t just a list for you to read and say “Hmmm… That does seem to happen a lot.” This has been remixed by myself, the fun generating Derek Wheatley, into a drinking game. Apart from recommending to drink responsibly – another prime suggestion is to not use them all at once. Depending on the episode, you could find yourself mighty intoxicated.
Take a drink when the following happens:
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle pretends to care about his audience by shaking their hands at the beginning and going “Alright?” – drink for each person.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle points to someone in the audience during his entrance, extra drink if it’s someone disabled or elderly.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle belittles the guests who have taken time and effort only for Jeremy Kyle to say “don’t worry about them, they should be at work”. He’ll thank them at the end of the show for turning up, but at the moment insulting the many to comfort the few is perfectly fine.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle tries to stir up drama by saying something like “Maybe he wants you to take the lie detector test because he’s feeling guilty, I don’t know”, “Maybe she’s causing trouble for you because she’s still in love with you and wants you back, I mean, I don’t know, I’m just being honest”
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle says “put something on the end of it”.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle mentions how he’s paid to be honest or similar.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle says the following:
- Contact centre
- Tea leaf
- Loggerheads
- Good-night Vienna
- Draw/ing a line in the sand
- I don’t know why I bother having a stage
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle goes on a rant about “we live in a society which wipes peoples’ backsides…”
- When Jeremy Kyle attempts to assert his dominance and showing people that he’s more important than them by reminding people “it’s called the Jeremy Kyle show”, as if it actually matters to the point he’s about to make.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle pretends that he’s overwhelmed by the story and how he is going to “take a long lie down in a dark room” because he has a headache, or some similar bullshit, because the drama is oh-so-overwhelming for him.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle asks a guest a question and as the question is being answered he shouts “Don’t tell me, tell them!” as if he didn’t ask any question at all.
- When anyone mentions that they or someone else did/should “hold their hands up”, extra drink if they actually do it. Because sayings are lost on people without demonstrations of their physical meaning.
- “FT” (For TV) – The first person to call this has everyone else, excluding themselves, from finishing their drinks (or a measure of volume to be determined in advance). FT can be called when after a lie detector test has been done and Jeremy Kyle is harassing someone to admit something. This is not to offer closure; this is done to film the reaction of people for television.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle constantly tries to validate the lie detector results by constantly saying “Well you passed the sexual intercourse question”.
- Whenever anyone gets a Full House, truth or lie.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle makes a show of his “dislike” for Facebook. Extra drink if he makes a Poke reference. Oh Jeremy, you funny man.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle brags about how long he’s been doing this show – “I’ve been doing this for [X] years”/”I’ve been here [X] years, why didn’t you come sooner?” are some examples.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle says “It’s all about the baby”
- Every time Jeremy Kyle says a baby is “beautiful”, have an extra drink if it’s an ugly baby. Use your own judgement on this.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle says “I like you” to a guest.
- “180” – The first person to call this has everyone else, excluding themselves, from finishing their drinks (or a measure of volume to be determined in advance). 180 can be called when after the first guest has come out and laid out the story, Jeremy Kyle says “I like you” or similar. Then his opinion changes as later guests come out.
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle begins a sentence with “I was reading this this morning…”
- Whenever Jeremy Kyle asks a question he already knows the answer to, after “reading it this morning” and later asking “wasn’t there something about a stapler?” Only applicable to questions which ask random things which you would never think to ask.
- “Crescendo” – The first person to call this has everyone else, excluding themselves from having a quarter of their drink (or a measure of volume to be determined in advance). This drinking limit has been reduced because of its frequency. Crescendo can be called when Jeremy Kyle starts to ask a long question which gradually increases in volume and pitch.
Any further suggestions? email me.
Derek-Wheatley.com 